John Carter (2012)

“A civil war veteran accidentally discovers a portal to Mars whilst in a cave full of gold. Whilst on Mars he gets caught up in, what must be a 4 sided war and must choose sides.

Well it’s based on a book that’s about 95 years old and is hailed as the inspiration for most, if not every sci-fi film ever made. But the fact that all those film’s got made before this, you just don’t care for the originality. It’s not exactly Avatar with green people, but I guarantee you could pause it at any moment and get at least one sci-fi reference. Which you’d think may be quite fun but, it just isn’t. It did remind me of Cowboys and Aliens at first, but what it is, is Stargate; a big  film that no one really care’s about but what could have a cult following on TV. But the sad thing is, I don’t even think that this will gather a cult following at all.

But really what it is, is that Disney just didn’t sell enough Prince of Persia toy’s so they just repackaged them and put a picture of Mars on them. Because that is exactly what John Carter is, it’s just Prince of Persia just bigger, a tiny bit better and a probably more boring.

The story it’s self is just so weak and just doesn’t make any sense what so ever. I mean you never really know or care what there doing, why there going this way, whys he smacking him on the head, and why, why, why isn’t this better?

Plus the first scene on Earth is just so unnecessarily complex it just doesn’t have any purpose, only once Bryan Cranston turns up,does the film vaguely take off.

Randomly Brian Carnston is there! James Purefoy turns up out of literally no where and Mark Strong continues to do the Green Lantern thing of just playing the weird alien bad guy and he wasn’t good in Green Lantern and neither is he in this really. The best character is probably the weird alien dog that run’s insanely fast.

It’s a big budget throw away that’s just so boring, and forgettable, to an extent it becomes forgettable whilst you’re watching it.

There is one actually rather outstanding scene though, where it cuts between Taylor Kitsch fighting some aliens and him burying his family back on earth and that scene is actually amazing, but it’s probably only as a amazing as I think it was, because the rest of the film was so dire. I just thought, if this one scene can be better than the entire film, why can’t the whole film be moderately good?

The one thing that is undeniably good is the special effects, they are superb, I think the merging of real life and CGI is a lot more impressive than the entirely CGI Avatar. But even the great special effects and giant set piece’s even become milked after a while.

It’s just bad. But I didn’t want it to be this bad.”


It may not deserve to be forgettable, disposable lite entertainment, but that’s exactly what it is, and when I say ‘lite entertainment’, I do mean extremely lite on the entertainment.

Best Line in the Film:  “Helium”  – Everyone pretty much says at some point.


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